It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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