her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
