I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
