put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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