Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
