I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
