legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
