you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
