is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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