I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
