Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
