I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
