the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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