I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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