so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
