when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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