Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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