Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
