I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
