the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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