Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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