Everything about him screamed your future.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
