Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's blow job season.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
