when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
