this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
