He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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