remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
