Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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