I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
