you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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