Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
