Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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