can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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