Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
