Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
