I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
