is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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