i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
