that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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