Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
