Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
