She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
