If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
