and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize