oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Help me help you realize you are a moron
COCAINE IS GR8
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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