My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
