just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
