I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
