I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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