So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
