As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
