Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
