My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
