i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize