I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
