Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
