After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
