Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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