Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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