Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
