Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
